26 Things Emmett Cullen Can't Do
by Jasper'sGirl1843
Summary: Here is a list of things Emmett can't do that my friends and I wrote during history class one year. Hope you enjoy!


1) Make fun of Bella

"I hate when he does that. It hurts my feelings," Bella said.

"He tends to do it a lot too, but what he says is usually funny," Alice told her.

2) Steal items to "fix" them

"Remember that one time he "fixed" those two planes and they ended up destroying the Twin Towers," Rosalie said.

"Emmett did that! But they blamed it on the bad people!" yelled Bella.

"Yeah we paid a lot of money to the government so they wouldn't arrest us. Good thing there were terrorists on the plane at that time though," Jasper said.

3) Tell Edward that he emotionally unstable and a control freak

"There will be no comments on this one," Edward said through a closed mouth.

4,5,6) Cut up Alice's clothes and burn them, cancel her credit cards, and blame it on Edward

"Didn't he do that last week?" Rosalie asked.

" Yes and you are very lucky that you still have a husband," Alice told Rose.

7) Act very girly around Jasper

"He is very good at doing that," Bella said.

"He's had awhile to prefect it," Jasper said.

8) Call Carlisle pops or gramps

"It makes me feel even older when he does that," Carlisle told his family.

9) Repaint the house bright pink

"He did that five years ago," Jasper said.

"I made him paint it back to its normal color," Esme said.

10) Write a book for little kids

"Oh my!" Alice said as she jumped up.

"Bad, bad thoughts," Edward said as he shook his head.

11) Make Esme bake cookies then throw them away

"I was in the kitchen all day and when I was done he just put them in the garbage," Esme complained.

12) Teach history class

"He told about the seven foot fish he caught back in 1965," Rosalie said.

"That was a very good fish," Jasper said liking his lips.

"How would that be history?" Bella asked.

"With Emmett what you ate for breakfast is history. Plus the length of the fish was written down in a book so Emmett calls it history," Edward explained.

13) Ask for a star every time he gets an answer correct

"His math teacher in Alaska sent him to the kindergarten class because of that," Alice said.

"He stayed there for a week," Jasper added.

14) Tell Edward that Jake stole Bella

"After I killed Emmett I would come and steal you back," Edward told Bella.

"Ok," Bella said.

15) Laugh when he goes to kill Jake

"Don't kill him!" Bella shouted.

"I wouldn't kill him I would just hurt him enough that he would be wishing he was dead," Edward said to Bella and then under his breath, "Then I would kill him and tell you he was hit by a car."

The Cullen's laughed at the second part.

16) Tell Rosalie she looks fat

"He was almost dead after he said that, but then she decided just not to talk to him for two years," Alice explained.

17) Wear Alice's clothes to school for a week

"Bad memories, bad memories," Edward chanted.

"I had to burn all those clothes after he wore them," Alice complained.

"How did he fit in her clothes?" Bella asked not really wanting to know the answer.

"He really didn't. That's why we left Alaska," Jasper said.

"Oh," Bella said shuddering

18) Tell Bella that Edward went to Italy

"I would never do that to you ... again," Edward said.

19) Tell Bella that Edward is marrying Tanya instead of her

"I would never marry that thing!" Edward said outraged, "You have all my love Bella. Please know that."

"I do, don't worry," She said.

20) Tell Bella that Edward isn't going to change her

"He loves to torture me," Bella said.

21) Act emo around Jasper

"He was "emo" for one year and every time I tried to lighten up the mood he would yell at me for ruining his emoness," Jasper said.

22) Hit a baseball through the big glass window and blame it on Jasper

"He has done that twice," Esme said outraged.

"He hates me," Jasper said bringing down the mood.

23) Steal all of Edward's music and replace it with N'Sync and Backstreet Boys

"That is hilarious!" Bella said as she laughed.

"I know isn't it!" Alice shouted, "The best part is that he gave Ed a map to go and find everything!"

24) Claim everyday is April Fool's Day

"I hate that day and month," Jasper complained.

"Why month?" Bella asked.

"With Emmett it April Fool's Month," Carlisle explained.

25) Tell Edward mountain lions are dead

"You almost believed him when he told you," Rosalie said.

"Yes I did, but then he let his thoughts slip," Edward replied.

"What was thinking about?" Bella asked.

"He was thinking about how I should have reacted," Edward told her.

26) Fly a U.S. military plane without permission

"The F.B.I. and Secret Service followed us around for three months after that," Alice said.

"Not to mention the military themselves because we owed them 10 billion dollars because Emmett crashed the plane," Edward added.

"They wouldn't let me shop at the mall!" Alice complained.

"You survived didn't you?" Rose asked.

Alice sent a growl in Rosalie's direction.

"Wow that's a lot of money. Did anyone get hurt in the crash?" Bella asked.

"Thankfully no or else we would be "dead" right now," Edward said.

Just then Emmett walked into the room and looks at his family and Bella strangely.

"Hey! What's up my peeps?" Emmett asked.

"Nothing we are just making fun of you," Rosalie said.

"That's awesome. So…" Emmett began.

"Cullen house come out with your hands up!" People from outside shouted.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen! What did you do this time!?" Rosalie shouted at her husband.

"Nothing terribly bad. Just-trying-to-sneak-into-the-White-House-and-steal-the-president-so-I-could-play-chess-with-him," Emmett told everyone at vampire speed.

"If I am not allowed to shop you are so dead!" Alice shouted at Emmett.

"What are we going to do with you?" Esme asked her son.

"Cullen house come out now or we will be forced to take action!" People from outside shouted again.

"Hold your horses!" Emmett shouted back.

"Who is out there anyway?" Bella asked.

"The army, marines, Secret Service, police, FBI, and the fire department," Edward said.

"Well then lets go meet them!" Emmett said excitedly.

They all shook their heads and walked out the door.

The End!


End file.
